In the few months preceding my birthday I started really looking at my life. I realized I don't really like who I am. I mentioned it this way to my best friend Mike: "I have come to the realization that I am a complete asshole" The fact that he couldn't really contradict that was proof enough. I need to change some things, both internal and external.
Externally, I need to work on my relationships with others. I have had very few close friends. I don't think I have ever been anyone's 'best friend' I think this is partially due to the fact that I do not express myself well. I need to work on telling the people that I love, that I love them. I need to tell people that I appreciate them. That they make me happy. I need to be a better friend.
Internally I need to work on pleasing myself. I have tons of great ideas. My mind is always running in a hundred directions (at least). Sometimes I even get up the ambition to flesh out these ideas. It rarely happens, and when it does I almost never finish them. It frustrates me to no end. I need to try new things. I am working on it. The opportunity came up recently to join my adventuresome uncle on a climb of Mt. St Helens. (It seemed fitting that the mountain blew 30 years ago and I was turning 30). It was spontaneous, and out of my comfort zone. While I do feel I did my best, I was unable to complete that task as well. It hurt me inside to quit at one more thing. Someday I will have to do it again, and this time make it all the way to the summit. My follow through on things is horrible. I have a tremendous love for music, and thought it would be great to start a blog to share my thoughts with others. I wrote a hundred posts n my head that never made it to cyberspace. Once again, no follow through. I can look around me and see several unfinished projects. I need to start accomplishing things. I need to be happy with myself. I start school on Aug 30th in one attempt to better myself and not squander my intelligence.
I would like anyone who reads this to help me out. If I am being a jerk, cll me on it. Tell me when I am being insensitive. I want to be a better person. I want to actually accomplish things. Encourage me is I start to falter. I need all the help I can get.
If you're anything like me, you're probably being harder on yourself than you deserve. I hope your determination to succeed in your plans to return to school is greater than mine ever has been... I like learning but I hate not applying what I learn immediately in some meaningfull way, so I guess most of my educational experiences have been serious let-downs for me.
ReplyDeleteGood luck, my friend.
Oh, and for whatever it is worth, I'm following you into the realm of 30-somethings in a couple years...
I understand not being happy with yourself. I struggle with that, too. I want to be a better person. But mostly, I need to be happy with myself. That's a hard one to achieve.
ReplyDeleteI'm excited for you as you start school. I am sure that you will do well. You seem to give your responsibilities everything you can. I'll pray for you as you do this. I can't imagine being in school, working, and loving on (juggling?) a busy family.
PS You'd be a better person if you cheered for the SEC.